I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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