dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
