Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
