I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
