Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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