Im at strip club and am horny
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
