Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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