you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
