a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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