pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Found your dick twin last night
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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