Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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