I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
