I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
