Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
