dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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