I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
