butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
