hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Everclear isn't food dammit
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
