i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
