just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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