Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
