I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
