I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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