I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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