This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
