put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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