You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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