Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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