had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
