If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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