I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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