I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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