It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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