I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
