Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
