My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
