Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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