A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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