so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
