The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it hurts more in the daytime
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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