I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
