Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
