We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
