yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
