your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
