my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We were destined to go to rehab together
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
