Cold hands, warm shart.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
