Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
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