I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
