She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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