blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Randomize
